Going In

When you’re an adult, when you’re’ all grown up...........

Where do you go, where do you go when you are lost?

Where do you go when the way ahead becomes blurry, when your direction becomes unclear and you are standing still and everything else around you feels like it’s going in circles.

Where do you go? What do you do?

Where is it written that by age 50 you should have it all together?  Because what if you don’t?  What if what you thought you knew about you is no longer true for you.

What if the next step to be taken seems so huge, so unreachable, so damn scary? What if it completely challenges your beliefs about yourself, no matter that you don’t want those beliefs to be true. Sometimes those old beliefs are like old friends, there is comfort to be had in the familiar.  What if you don’t know what that next step is? Or what if you do know but you don’t know you know?                                                                                                                                                                          I live in the most amazing place with mountain views, native birds and trees, land and animals. I really do love it here, I really am home here. When I first moved up here people thought I wouldn’t handle it. That I wouldn’t cope but I thrived. I burst forth with enthusiasm and infectious happiness. I’d come home. Not even I realised it was going to be that good, I knew I’d be okay but even I knew it was going to be that wonderful.

I spent the first couple of years growing and expanding on so many levels of myself. I challenged myself and found I was capable of more than I ever gave myself credit for. Joy oozed from my pores. I quit drinking [3.5yrs now] and though it was initially a hardship I did it and through doing that I met this amazing person...........ME. We became pretty good friends.

 

Wrapped in candy floss and surrounded by fluffy clouds I thought I‘d cracked it, that I was invincible. I’d sorted myself out, knew where I was headed and the old me was from a bygone era never to be seen again.

 

But there is only so much candy floss to be had at any given time, the clouds parted and the old me returned from the dead. Turns out she was not so much dead but merely waiting patiently for that moment to rise. And she did not like the new me, not at all.

 

After a fierce struggle I brought back into her theories and beliefs, not fully but enough that the erosion of this new me took place. I am now out of balance with myself, either up or down but never sitting comfortably in the middle.

 

I‘ve got a really sore foot which is progressively worsening. It’s beginning to inhibit me from doing things [like exercise] which causes an intense spike in fear beliefs [like putting on weight]. I looked sore feet up, specifically the left foot, and ‘The Secret Language of your Body’ [Inna Segal] says it’s about being disconnected from your needs, experiencing blockages, bringing pain from past hurts through. Okay, yep I can relate to that. It also says that issues with the feet stem from moving in the wrong directions, ignoring my intuition, feeling confused-lost or ungrounded, feeling stuck, indecisive and the big one....getting cold feet about a situation. Hello, hand up to all of the above.

It’s no wonder my feet are crying out in agony from having to support me day in and day out with such a heavy emotional load.

 

So, where do you go when you are lost? I should say here that actually age is irrelevant as we are constantly growing , changing and evolving but age is something my controversial voice likes to throw in to taunt me.

 

Where do you go????

Inwards of course. And forwards.

Inwards and forwards.

Any action, any reflection sets ripples into motion.  Ripples are good. They might be hard, painful, scary, tough but if they set in motion the wheels of change then it’s good.

 

If I am to listen to my body then I have to accept that my feet are sending me a clear message that things need to change. I need to stop with the procrastination games I frequently. I need to stop telling myself what I can’t do and start reminding myself of all the things I can do.

 

I need to stop doing afraid.

Or at least acknowledge the fear and do it anyway.

 

Where do you go? What do you do?

Look to yourself and then reach out for who or what you need to help.

 

I am still doing struggle with my body image, I am doing big fears around promoting my business [even saying ‘my business’ causes a sick feeling for who am I to even call it a business], ego has taken to floating pretty pictures of fun scenarios  in which I am drinking, and my feet hurt.

 

I still live in a wondrous place that supports me on a deeper level.

The me that arose upon first moving up here hasn’t gone anywhere, she’s waiting for me to take her by the hand and run with her again.

I’m not going anywhere.

But I am going inwards, I accept the challenge to once again rise. To say enough to this shit and to take in hand the person responsible for all my pain, for reinforcing my fears.

 

Me.

 

Nameste

Breezi's Spirit

 

 

Kicking it up with Though Love

Dear Readers,

 

I honestly thought by now I’d be waxing lyrically about how I’d successfully achieved a mental and emotional renovation and was now operating easily and confidently from a place of total self love and nurturing. So much so I’d be this amazing inspiration for you all.

I also honestly thought I’d be casually dropping it in how I’d lost this amount of kilos with an air of virtuousness.

 

My reality is totally different.

I’ve achieved pretty much none of the above.  Nada, nil, zilch.

It’s embarrassing and humiliating and I’m feeling useless, disgusted, regretful, hopeless and oh so much guilt.

None of which is constructive or helpful.

 

I said in an earlier post how I didn’t want this blog to be all about weight loss, body image etc but my truth is that this issue is huge for me. It takes up a lot of my mental time, it impacts me immensely both physically and emotionally. Basically it’s huge for me right now and so how can I not be honest about it here.

 

So, as I wandered around this morning picking up dog poop feeling rather sorry for myself the words tough love wandered into my line of thought. I heard them and I saw them.

 

Okay yep, it’s time for tough love. Feeling sorry for myself is achieving nothing but a whole lot more heartache. I still believe a positive mental attitude with huge doses of self love will be a huge help in changing my relationship with food and bringing about a more loving relationship with my body and with me.

But right now knowing that and doing it are at opposite ends of the spectrum. I’m talking it up saying all the right things but not really doing the actual doing part of it.

If I keep acting out the same beliefs and behaviours then I’m going to keep getting the same results.

 

So time for some tough love baby.

I do exercise daily but really I could actually do more with a more committed focus.

My relationship with food including what I am actually eating needs an overhaul.

My internal voice needs some new material.

And I need to STOP myself in my tracks, give myself that much needed kick up the arse and do something differently when I begin to heed the call of the pantry or the supermarket.

 

I’m not talking immediate huge monumental changes involving sacrifice and strictness. I’ve done that before and I know that doesn’t work for me for long and I go back to my same ways but with more emphasis.

 

No, I need to move with love always at the forefront and know exactly what it is I want to achieve.

Ultimately I want to lose weight. I don’t want it to be all about the scales and numbers but ultimately I want to see a lot less of me...physically anyway. I need to own that to.

 

I need take little steps ensuring each one is securely in place before introducing the next one.  Equally each step will come with sub steps. It’s not about stopping all the ‘bad’ foods - I don’t subscribe to bad foods as such but more an unhealthy belief/attitude about foods – but food is a big one.

 

So when I decide I’m going to eat another biscuit or have a bigger helping or whatever tough love will rise with a firmness and remind me that NO I actually don’t want to do that or I don’t want to do it right now.

Tough love will remind me I’ve got functions coming up and how I’m currently doing uncomfortable around what I’m going to wear and how I’m going to look [ and in that mix comes self hate and self disgust, not helpful].

Tough love will be my voice that says for fucks sake girl what the hell are you doing.? You got a choice here so make the right one.

Tough love will remind me I’m the only one who can make the changes I want and really if I don’t have that chocolate bar what am I really missing out on???

Tough love will be the personal trainer who tells me to stop whining and get on with it. Tough love will be tough, hard on me, no sympathy or hand patting but tough love will also be the voice that praises me, high fives me with each success while at the same time telling me to get back to it.

 

Tough love will be the me I want to be.

Not saying it’s going to be easy and I know right now even as I write these are just words carried with genuine intention but it’s the action part that will really make an impact.

So for the sake of accountability I commit to 3 changes [I’ve got plenty I could make but let’s make it achievable and manageable] right now right here.

1. More mindful snacking between meals
2. 5 minute mediation each morning
3. 10 minimum step up [additional to exercise programme]

 

Small but manageable.

To be reviewed in a week’s time and added to or altered.

 

Big goal is to be lighter leaner by the time I go on holiday to Australia May 2018 – be excited here right now with what clothes are in my wardrobe I will be able to wear then.

Bigger goal is to be at peace with me and my body.

 

Small steps make it easier to reach each goal.

 

Namaste

FreeBreezi

 

 

On The Rise

Dear Readers,

 

When I first began this post it was all about a tale of woe. I was fully immersed in a sludge filled puddle of no weight loss coupled with severe abdominal bloating blues.

This is the place where I felt like giving in and giving up as I beat up on my fat self. Giving in is the easiest course of action, go straight to my default coping mechanism of eating.

But I’ve done this so many times in my past and I only have to take a look in the mirror to know this just isn’t working for me anymore, if ever it did. Taking that path has resulted in this body I now own, a body I’m not happy inhabiting.

And not being happy in here is really doing my head in and I really hate the fact that I am fully responsible for the state of it.

I could toss out there the whole cycle peri menopause thing but I don’t know if that’s just an excuse or if it’s a fair and contributing reason. Think I’ll bypass that one for now.

So I began to write about my misery and frustration and pain and self hate as I totally got wrapped up in the poor me persona.

 

But then...

 

I listened to a podcast which was all about stepping out of judgement of my body. Very interesting podcast, I even made a few notes.

Ooh... something was happening here....flickers of hope...of motivation...

This was then followed by reading from Gabrielle Bernstein’s ‘The Universe has got your back” which caused a meditation session finishing up with blasting some favourite 80’s music while I boogied in the kitchen cooking dinner.

 

And wallah I’m back.

Not all cured and in love with my body back but back in a place where those thoughts and feelings were allowed. I felt alive again and ready to keep going, not start again but just to rise up and carry on.

 

The next morning in a fit of what was I thinking I hopped onto the scales and of course I didn’t get numbers that thrilled me. Seriously not my greatest idea. So I had a choice; choice A being I could go straight into poor me, fat me, stupid me which I admit isn’t my greatest coping tool or choice B which  was to simply accept that in that very moment that is what the scales said I weighed and move on not giving it anymore than a cursory whatever.

I choose B of course.

Not going to say its all candy floss and butterflies because it’s not but it allowed me to rise up and get on with my day with a sense of positivity and peace.

 

Choosing the default action which has come about from years of doing just that is easy and familiar and in some weird way welcoming but it’s also the hardest road to walk. It’s the cruellest road to walk to.

Choosing to rise above is harder, somewhat foreign but the rewards are incredible.

 

I need to change my internal story; I need to rewrite the script for that internal voice if I actually want to see change within and of me.

Clearly what I’ve been doing isn’t working so something has to change and while diet and exercise etc are important I recognise if I don’t change my thoughts and attitudes and beliefs then not much else will.

 

If I’m honest I want that magic wand waved over me and have it all as I want it to be. But years of hoping for just that have made it pretty clear that ain’t happening.

So I’ll take this awareness and use it to my advantage.

 

Nameste

Breezi’s Spirit

 

 

Enjoying A Day Off

Dear Readers,

 

I am having a day off today.

I’m enjoying it to.

I probably should give you a little of my history here; I live rurally on a life style block.  It might almost be called an Old MacDonald’s Farm [as in the children’s song] with the myriad of animals around here.

While I don’t work in paid employment with land and animals there is always something to do up . Plus I grandchildren sit once a week along with twice a week leading the local village circuit group and add to the mix any projects Mr Breezi has in mind at weekends when he is home from work.

 

I’ve had a super busy week shifting and re stacking wood for next winter into the shed from where it was drying in the sun. Along with having to hand fertilise paddocks not suitable to get the tractor round. Caring for the animals is a daily activity but with little feed post winter and weeks [and weeks and weeks and weeks.....] of rain there has been the daily letting out and returning of animals into other areas to feed. Namely the goats who don’t wander far but when out of their fenced areas tend to gravitate with committed fixation to the trees and gardens where their presence isn’t welcome thus requiring regular monitoring. I should GPS them so I’d know their location without tracking them down.

 

So today aside from the usual daily chores I’m cruising it.

Well this is after a drive down the valley with Mr Breezi to pick up his new Chevy truck. I was required to drive the car back home of course but to follow just in case. No issues there though. It’s a blessing really that he is enthusiastically immersed in checking out the new truck and tinkering around merrily.  Leaves me free to do.........whatever I feel so inclined to.

 

I’m not bothering with housework which, let’s face it, always needs doing. I am enjoying a quiet read. I have of course let the chooks out as per our agreement – they all lay an egg then they get to meander about. And I’ve lit the fire – we are off grid up here so we light a fire daily to heat the hot water and it’s also our oven.

When I say we live off grid I mean we have our own water, septic tank system and solar power. It’s pretty cool actually.

 

So, I’m having a day off. Well, more an afternoon off.

Although I might just head down and let the goats through into the big paddock, great scrub cleaners that they are. I also should fill up the wood basket, pick up the gutted teddy stuffing left by the enthusiastic puppy and it’d be good to get that washing folded up and put away.

Time now to head down and ensure the fire has wood on it.

 

And time to, to get back to my afternoon off.

 

Namaste

Breezi’s spirit

 

New Beginnings

Dear Reader,

 

Perhaps a pre-emptive beginning to this post – beginning with Dear Reader. After all this is my first post on my new blog thus I have no readers. But I know you exist and I hope you will find me.

 

While this is my space to write about anything and everything it feels fitting to write about what first prompted me  to start this blog, what my original motivation was.

I was originally going to write about my weight loss journey, the highs and lows, the challenges and the successes. Of course it’s been done before and is being done now but those aren’t my story and my story is very relevant to me.

My relationship with my body as it currently stands isn’t healthy or nurturing or loving.  To be honest I can be very nasty to myself over this and if I am truly going to let myself love me then that has to change.

 

This blog isn’t going to be all about me losing weight, I am more than my weight but it is where I’m going to start from.

 

I do need to lose weight.

But it’s so much more than that. I need to be a better friend to myself.

And it’s a choice.

It’s always a choice.

I choose to lose weight in order to gain a healthier body and a healthier body image.

I choose to eat with wisdom and pleasure.

I choose to communicate with my body.

 

Easy.

Yeah...nah.

There are habits, beliefs, stories and attitudes that need to be acknowledged and re written.

It’s doable.

 

All great words and intentions.

But for that to work, for changes to occur then I have to earn my chops as in I have to take action. I actually have to do something. I have to work at it.

 

Sucks really that there is no easy wave the magic wand solution but then where the fun would be in that.

 

So Dear Readers, I have put my name down to participate in a 3 week pre Christmas boot camp; 1 hour a week for 3 weeks. I’m super excited and super terrified. 

Boot camp doesn’t start until December but that doesn’t mean I get to rest on my laurels until then, after all good intentions are nothing without action.

And the time to start is now, right now, right this minute, right at this moment. Now.

I ‘m already exercising, I was given a fitbit which is a lot of fun and motivating. I also run a local circuit class which I’ve upped the ante in. I’m eating better – don’t expect to see healthy vs unhealthy options here as I fully intend to eat chocolate along with my carrot sticks. It’s more about balance.

 

I believe in the healing power of journaling and here I’m journaling out loud.

So watch this space. I’ll share updates, I’ll excitedly reveal any and all successes and I’ll be honest about the slide backs and challenges.

 

And I promise to myself not to be a regular visitor  to the bathroom scales.....that said I did have a sneak peak this morning and just quietly I’ve relocated 1.1kg’s. No more peaking now until beginning of next week. A once a week weigh in is more than enough. Less is better.

 

Namaste

Breezi’s Spirit