On The Rise

Dear Readers,

 

When I first began this post it was all about a tale of woe. I was fully immersed in a sludge filled puddle of no weight loss coupled with severe abdominal bloating blues.

This is the place where I felt like giving in and giving up as I beat up on my fat self. Giving in is the easiest course of action, go straight to my default coping mechanism of eating.

But I’ve done this so many times in my past and I only have to take a look in the mirror to know this just isn’t working for me anymore, if ever it did. Taking that path has resulted in this body I now own, a body I’m not happy inhabiting.

And not being happy in here is really doing my head in and I really hate the fact that I am fully responsible for the state of it.

I could toss out there the whole cycle peri menopause thing but I don’t know if that’s just an excuse or if it’s a fair and contributing reason. Think I’ll bypass that one for now.

So I began to write about my misery and frustration and pain and self hate as I totally got wrapped up in the poor me persona.

 

But then...

 

I listened to a podcast which was all about stepping out of judgement of my body. Very interesting podcast, I even made a few notes.

Ooh... something was happening here....flickers of hope...of motivation...

This was then followed by reading from Gabrielle Bernstein’s ‘The Universe has got your back” which caused a meditation session finishing up with blasting some favourite 80’s music while I boogied in the kitchen cooking dinner.

 

And wallah I’m back.

Not all cured and in love with my body back but back in a place where those thoughts and feelings were allowed. I felt alive again and ready to keep going, not start again but just to rise up and carry on.

 

The next morning in a fit of what was I thinking I hopped onto the scales and of course I didn’t get numbers that thrilled me. Seriously not my greatest idea. So I had a choice; choice A being I could go straight into poor me, fat me, stupid me which I admit isn’t my greatest coping tool or choice B which  was to simply accept that in that very moment that is what the scales said I weighed and move on not giving it anymore than a cursory whatever.

I choose B of course.

Not going to say its all candy floss and butterflies because it’s not but it allowed me to rise up and get on with my day with a sense of positivity and peace.

 

Choosing the default action which has come about from years of doing just that is easy and familiar and in some weird way welcoming but it’s also the hardest road to walk. It’s the cruellest road to walk to.

Choosing to rise above is harder, somewhat foreign but the rewards are incredible.

 

I need to change my internal story; I need to rewrite the script for that internal voice if I actually want to see change within and of me.

Clearly what I’ve been doing isn’t working so something has to change and while diet and exercise etc are important I recognise if I don’t change my thoughts and attitudes and beliefs then not much else will.

 

If I’m honest I want that magic wand waved over me and have it all as I want it to be. But years of hoping for just that have made it pretty clear that ain’t happening.

So I’ll take this awareness and use it to my advantage.

 

Nameste

Breezi’s Spirit