Kicking it up with Though Love

Dear Readers,

 

I honestly thought by now I’d be waxing lyrically about how I’d successfully achieved a mental and emotional renovation and was now operating easily and confidently from a place of total self love and nurturing. So much so I’d be this amazing inspiration for you all.

I also honestly thought I’d be casually dropping it in how I’d lost this amount of kilos with an air of virtuousness.

 

My reality is totally different.

I’ve achieved pretty much none of the above.  Nada, nil, zilch.

It’s embarrassing and humiliating and I’m feeling useless, disgusted, regretful, hopeless and oh so much guilt.

None of which is constructive or helpful.

 

I said in an earlier post how I didn’t want this blog to be all about weight loss, body image etc but my truth is that this issue is huge for me. It takes up a lot of my mental time, it impacts me immensely both physically and emotionally. Basically it’s huge for me right now and so how can I not be honest about it here.

 

So, as I wandered around this morning picking up dog poop feeling rather sorry for myself the words tough love wandered into my line of thought. I heard them and I saw them.

 

Okay yep, it’s time for tough love. Feeling sorry for myself is achieving nothing but a whole lot more heartache. I still believe a positive mental attitude with huge doses of self love will be a huge help in changing my relationship with food and bringing about a more loving relationship with my body and with me.

But right now knowing that and doing it are at opposite ends of the spectrum. I’m talking it up saying all the right things but not really doing the actual doing part of it.

If I keep acting out the same beliefs and behaviours then I’m going to keep getting the same results.

 

So time for some tough love baby.

I do exercise daily but really I could actually do more with a more committed focus.

My relationship with food including what I am actually eating needs an overhaul.

My internal voice needs some new material.

And I need to STOP myself in my tracks, give myself that much needed kick up the arse and do something differently when I begin to heed the call of the pantry or the supermarket.

 

I’m not talking immediate huge monumental changes involving sacrifice and strictness. I’ve done that before and I know that doesn’t work for me for long and I go back to my same ways but with more emphasis.

 

No, I need to move with love always at the forefront and know exactly what it is I want to achieve.

Ultimately I want to lose weight. I don’t want it to be all about the scales and numbers but ultimately I want to see a lot less of me...physically anyway. I need to own that to.

 

I need take little steps ensuring each one is securely in place before introducing the next one.  Equally each step will come with sub steps. It’s not about stopping all the ‘bad’ foods - I don’t subscribe to bad foods as such but more an unhealthy belief/attitude about foods – but food is a big one.

 

So when I decide I’m going to eat another biscuit or have a bigger helping or whatever tough love will rise with a firmness and remind me that NO I actually don’t want to do that or I don’t want to do it right now.

Tough love will remind me I’ve got functions coming up and how I’m currently doing uncomfortable around what I’m going to wear and how I’m going to look [ and in that mix comes self hate and self disgust, not helpful].

Tough love will be my voice that says for fucks sake girl what the hell are you doing.? You got a choice here so make the right one.

Tough love will remind me I’m the only one who can make the changes I want and really if I don’t have that chocolate bar what am I really missing out on???

Tough love will be the personal trainer who tells me to stop whining and get on with it. Tough love will be tough, hard on me, no sympathy or hand patting but tough love will also be the voice that praises me, high fives me with each success while at the same time telling me to get back to it.

 

Tough love will be the me I want to be.

Not saying it’s going to be easy and I know right now even as I write these are just words carried with genuine intention but it’s the action part that will really make an impact.

So for the sake of accountability I commit to 3 changes [I’ve got plenty I could make but let’s make it achievable and manageable] right now right here.

1. More mindful snacking between meals
2. 5 minute mediation each morning
3. 10 minimum step up [additional to exercise programme]

 

Small but manageable.

To be reviewed in a week’s time and added to or altered.

 

Big goal is to be lighter leaner by the time I go on holiday to Australia May 2018 – be excited here right now with what clothes are in my wardrobe I will be able to wear then.

Bigger goal is to be at peace with me and my body.

 

Small steps make it easier to reach each goal.

 

Namaste

FreeBreezi

 

 

On The Rise

Dear Readers,

 

When I first began this post it was all about a tale of woe. I was fully immersed in a sludge filled puddle of no weight loss coupled with severe abdominal bloating blues.

This is the place where I felt like giving in and giving up as I beat up on my fat self. Giving in is the easiest course of action, go straight to my default coping mechanism of eating.

But I’ve done this so many times in my past and I only have to take a look in the mirror to know this just isn’t working for me anymore, if ever it did. Taking that path has resulted in this body I now own, a body I’m not happy inhabiting.

And not being happy in here is really doing my head in and I really hate the fact that I am fully responsible for the state of it.

I could toss out there the whole cycle peri menopause thing but I don’t know if that’s just an excuse or if it’s a fair and contributing reason. Think I’ll bypass that one for now.

So I began to write about my misery and frustration and pain and self hate as I totally got wrapped up in the poor me persona.

 

But then...

 

I listened to a podcast which was all about stepping out of judgement of my body. Very interesting podcast, I even made a few notes.

Ooh... something was happening here....flickers of hope...of motivation...

This was then followed by reading from Gabrielle Bernstein’s ‘The Universe has got your back” which caused a meditation session finishing up with blasting some favourite 80’s music while I boogied in the kitchen cooking dinner.

 

And wallah I’m back.

Not all cured and in love with my body back but back in a place where those thoughts and feelings were allowed. I felt alive again and ready to keep going, not start again but just to rise up and carry on.

 

The next morning in a fit of what was I thinking I hopped onto the scales and of course I didn’t get numbers that thrilled me. Seriously not my greatest idea. So I had a choice; choice A being I could go straight into poor me, fat me, stupid me which I admit isn’t my greatest coping tool or choice B which  was to simply accept that in that very moment that is what the scales said I weighed and move on not giving it anymore than a cursory whatever.

I choose B of course.

Not going to say its all candy floss and butterflies because it’s not but it allowed me to rise up and get on with my day with a sense of positivity and peace.

 

Choosing the default action which has come about from years of doing just that is easy and familiar and in some weird way welcoming but it’s also the hardest road to walk. It’s the cruellest road to walk to.

Choosing to rise above is harder, somewhat foreign but the rewards are incredible.

 

I need to change my internal story; I need to rewrite the script for that internal voice if I actually want to see change within and of me.

Clearly what I’ve been doing isn’t working so something has to change and while diet and exercise etc are important I recognise if I don’t change my thoughts and attitudes and beliefs then not much else will.

 

If I’m honest I want that magic wand waved over me and have it all as I want it to be. But years of hoping for just that have made it pretty clear that ain’t happening.

So I’ll take this awareness and use it to my advantage.

 

Nameste

Breezi’s Spirit